Theft cum Necessity

Theft cum Necessity
Three candidates for "The World's Dumbest Criminals"

by Tom Woodard

When I was District Judge of Pickens County, Alabama, we had our share of "World’s Dumbest Criminals". Two instances stand out in my mind after all these years. The first involved a case wherein the Defendant was charged with shooting another man in the legs with a pistol. I was conducting a Preliminary (probable cause) Hearing in the case. The victim in the shooting, being duly sworn, and examined by the District Attorney, testified that the Defendant fired at him from a distance of approximately fifty feet, while the victim, being somewhat stubborn and somewhat confounded as to what to do, stood facing him. He testified that the Defendant fired four shots, missing him twice - the other two bullets striking him, one in each knee. It was routine testimony, but the Defendant became clearly agitated, chattering - too loudly - to his attorney at the counsel table. The attorney asked for a brief recess, to talk to his client out of the hearing of the Court and the District Attorney.

Upon returning to the Court Room, the attorney approached the bench and said "Your Honor, my client insists on testifying. I have strongly urged against him doing so, but he continues to insist, and I don’t know what to do but let him testify." I consented and the Defendant took the stand. Before I would allow him to testify, I went over his rights with him, including his right to remain silent , as well as the fact that anything he said could and would be used against him in Court. He said that he understood. His attorney then asked him if he had explained these same rights to him. "Yes, sir." The attorney then asked "Have I not strongly advised you against testifying in this Court?" "Yes, sir, you have."

"Well, then,", said the attorney, "tell the Judge what you want to say." The Defendant, finally free to testify, looked excitedly toward me and said "Your Honor, I am innocent! I only fired two shots, and I hit him both times!"

The other "dumbest" case I well recall was one of the burglary of the Dairy King, in Aliceville, Alabama. The Dairy King is located on Highway 17 South, and one of the last remaining small, walk-up ice cream establishments remaining, I imagine, in the whole of the United States of America. Quite a unique experience in this modern age where all fast food restaurants have interior seating for their customers - well, all but the Dairy King in Aliceville!

Just across the street from the Dairy King is the old cotton mill village, behind which stands the now closed cotton mill, which operated in Aliceville from the 1920s until about ten or twelve years ago, finally going the way of all textile operations in the United States. Well, the area is fairly well lit, and most of the old mill houses are still occupied, now as privately owned residences. On the night in question, our intrepid thief walked up to the Dairy King, intent upon entry and theft, while a resident of one of these houses sat on his front porch, just a short distance away, and watched him. But friends, dumb as that is, it is not what makes this case so remarkable.

When our brilliant mastermind broke the glass at one of the service windows, with his bare hand, he cut himself severely, so that he was profusely bleeding. Just inside that window, so it happened, sat an emergency medical kit, such as many of us have in our homes. Turns out that the only thing stolen from the Dairy King that night was the medical kit, and when the burglar was arrested, he still wore the bandage he had fashioned from the contents of that kit!

A crime of dubious opportunity - seeing as how he was being observed the entire time by someone who knew and recognized him - had turned into a theft of dire necessity! And then, of course, there were all those bloody fingerprints he left behind, just for good measure.

And then there was the juvenile offender, charged with theft, who could not be made to understand that he had done anything wrong. He had gone into his Aunt’s bedroom and stolen a fairly large sum of money from off the top of her dressing table. Even after hours of explanation by the Juvenile Probation Officer and other Court and law enforcement officials, he still was convinced he had committed no crime because at the time he was apprehended he had not yet spent any of the money!

All stories Copyright June 5th, 2008, by Tom Woodard

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